Maybe Your Coping Responses are no Longer Serving You

Let’s imagine: You are 3 years old. You want to be a big kid so you ask to drink your milk from an open cup. Mom is skeptical but decides to let you try. Your little fingers slip and it spills everywhere. Mom gasps, mutters something under her breath and hostilely cleans it up. She doesn’t yell or hit you, but your body tells you that something you did was very wrong. You don’t like this feeling and try to avoid it. The next time an open cup is offered, you decline and ask for a sippy lid instead.

Now you are 7. Dad is setting up the Christmas tree and you want to help. You’ve done it before so jump right in. The special glass ornament from great grandma is wrapped in bubble wrap and you know that it is an adult job to put in on the tree. However, you are 7 now and feel confident in taking on the job. You carefully grab the ornament, place it high on the tree and smash it falls. Dad is mad; it was a special gift from his grandmother. He raises his voice and says “are you kidding me? I have told you every year to not touch that ornament. You have ruined it!”. You are sent to your room. There is never an apology. You sit with the icky feeling in your body all alone.

When you are 13 you are asked to babysit your younger siblings. You feel proud because you are finally old enough, and take it very seriously. But then you screw it up. You burn the mac n cheese, leave the back door unlocked after letting the dog in, and your siblings stay up too late so they are crabby the next morning. You tried your best, but your parents do not see it that way. They say, “you knew better. We thought we could trust you. I guess you aren’t old enough for these jobs”. Their words hit hard and you think to yourself “I really do fail at everything”.

You learn that the best way to avoid these big feelings is to avoid trying new or difficult things altogether. You avoid asking the person out on the date, or applying for student council. You avoid calling the dentist for an appointment or joining the club that you’ve been wanting to. In adulthood you avoid asking for the promotion or standing up to your toxic neighbour. Deep down you feel as though you are a failure.

Now, this story is not recommending for you to blame your parents. They were not malicious and they didn’t mean to hurt; they loved you and still do. They were overwhelmed and trying their best. They were human. It is okay to both empathize with them from your current adult perspective, and validate that the way your child self was treated was not okay. Both can occur.

The coping response of avoidance was formed and solidified during these (and many more) early life experiences. It worked for a long time and got you to where you are today. Maybe you even see it as a good thing! However now these "walls" are not serving you. You have built them up brick by brick to avoid feeling vulnerable, and as much as they might be “working” to keep the bad stuff out, they are also working at blocking the good stuff from coming in.

Want to learn more? Let’s work through this together.